We have to admit it: dating culture is obsessed with remaining unbothered. I know the concept of "Gen Z loves to act unbothered 24/7" has been one of the most talked-about topics among (older) adults referring to us younger adults (even when they don't want to admit the fact that we are adults), but I am actually starting to think that it has become true in some ways.
I don't think it happens in the way they believe (or expect?) it does, though. I think it's just how deeply the "fake it till you make it" mentality has been engraved into our brains, and how fast society taught us to move. We meet someone, and less than a month later we're living the expected "boyfriend-girlfriend" life without ever uttering those words—in fact, deliberately avoiding them or just replacing them with easier-sounding, less defining, or less "scary" words.
We state we're "keeping it casual" like it's a badge of honor. (To be completely honest, putting it like that just made me feel like I somehow teleported 80 years back in time, and I'm talking about men taking "a woman's virtue", rather than just stupid modern-day +20-year-olds who are too scared to date seriously.)
This topic has been on my mind for a long (LONG) time, since I ended my last serious relationship about three years ago—a story for another time, and coincidentally days away from that day's 3rd anniversary (yay?). It came back to me two days ago at 9 PM in a creative writing class, when my best friend showed me some texts from her younger sister talking about her casual relationship, immediately told her to reply with a link to a TikTok video reflecting on Penn Badgley's Call Her Daddy podcast episode.
That whole sequence (and the hour-long conversation we had with her sister) brought me here. So let's talk about Penn Badgley's "Is it ever casual?" and the way it cuts straight to the core of how we approach romantic relationships today
The Performance Trap of Detachment
Badgley's point isn't necessarily that we can't have brief or lighthearted casual encounters. It's the fact that full and genuine detachment from the situation, and from the feelings involved towards the other person, is far rarer than we pretend it is, which can lead to, if you give it a bit of thought, the idea that what we call "casual" is typically an unwritten (or unthought-of) agreement to be indifferent towards the situation.
In today's dating scene, being vulnerable means taking a BIG risk. Showing genuine enthusiasm is typically treated as being desperate (mainly for girls, but let's admit it, some girls do treat men as desperate if they actually show real interest), and detachment is celebrated as a display of power, a way of being "untouchable" in some way. We find ourselves in a constant "who can care less competition, deliberately waiting to reply to messages, toning down our natural warmth and personality, and filtering our honesty just for the sake of keeping things "casual"
The key point (and problem in my opinion) is that physical and emotional intimacy naturally generates attachment to a certain degree; it's how we are biologically and psychologically wired. When we force ourselves into this "casual" arrangement, we don't eliminate those feelings; we just suppress them alongside everything else we try to hide on a daily basis.
We keep it cool on the outside while overthinking on the inside.
Why Do We Look To Master the Art of It?
- The Shield: Calling something casual creates some sort of safety net against rejection and gives us a ready-made response to cope with when things (eventually) go south: "Are you okay?" "Why wouldn't I be? We weren't even a thing to begin with." Meanwhile, you're dying inside because you were actually getting attached.
- The Illusion of Control: It allows us access to intimacy without having to accept the vulnerability that real commitment requires (even when that's all we desperately want).
- The Pressure: In a growing swiping culture where our options feel simultaneously infinite and incredibly limited, commitment is often misframed as missing out, making any actual choice feel like our last chance at something.
Moving Past This Posture
Let's be honest: who hasn't felt overwhelmed trying to stick to all the social rules that come with casual dating? And who hasn't struggled to set clear boundaries because they don't know how to work around them in casual dating, or in your first serious relationship after only having dated casually?
Thank you for stopping by!
xoxo, Bluu✨
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